Steely Dan

"What the heck is that?" I asked my co-worker. "It's a drainplug," he responded.

The conversation you just read occured this afternoon at my job. Who is the pervert who designed this thing? Why would a drainplug need to look like this and who approved it?

I can't imagine the conversation when the inventor showed his design to the patent office.

Designer: Here it is, I call it a drainplug.
Patent Officer: Oh really, it looks like a penis.

In other news, I finished up my week at the DC Improv on Sunday and had a blast. The crowds were great, the staff was wonderful, and the feature act turned out to be a great guy. His name is Keith Alberstadt, check him out immediately www.keithcomedy.com. Thank you to the many friends who came out to offer me some support, I love you guys.

I celebrated the week by taking a roadtrip to Atlantic City on Monday. Accompanying me were friends Tony "hit me" Gracyk and Ryan "blackjack" Conner. Upon arrival, we decided to hit the boardwalk for lunch. I quickly spotted a Johnny Rockets and suggested we eat there. Unfortunately, Ryan and Tony spotted a $6.95 buffet and my suggestion was ousted. you may be wondering what a $6.95 buffet looks like; the answer is, a retirement community. There was no air conditioning and the food was probably the worst I've ever eaten, it was disgusting. We took turns sampling the variety of foods, which included: meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, salmon cakes, sausage, barbecue ribs, barbecue chicken, carrots, potatoes, corn, and potato salad. You may be thinking, "Come on, Jon, that sounds pretty good." If you were thinking that, you are wrong. We kept competing to see who could eat the grossest food; Tony was well in the lead with a salmon cake and sausage dish which nearly made him vomit. But, right at the end of the meal, Ryan took the blue ribbon with some steamed carrots. We all tried them and all agreed that they were the worst thing any of us had ever eaten. To make matters worse, the lack of AC was making us all sick. I looked over at Tony and his shirt was drenched with sweat. I looked at Ryan and his face was beat red and sweat was dripping onto his plate of mush. The craziest thing was the fact that all these old people were oblivious to the taste. I looked around and saw tables of old folks gobbling down these salmon cakes which clearly were not made with salmon. Amazing. I've never walked into a buffet and then walked out 30 minutes later, 5 pounds lighter. Seriously, we were so dehydrated that we should probably have had IVs administered.

We made our way to the casino where we were surrounded by more old people. We spent the next 4 hours playing blackjack. Nothing much to tell here...we all had our moments where we felt like Sammy Farha but in the end, we all lost money. Fortunatey, we didn't take much money into the casino so we chalked it up as a win. Ryan taught me his blackjack strategy on the way to the casino but once there, I still asked him what I should do on just about every hand. At one point, I leaned over and showed him my hand. He took a look at the cards and then said, "I'd stay." So I stayed...on a 2 and a 4. The dealer flipped over the cards, exposing my six. He exclaimed, "what! you can't win with a six!" The guy next to me called me a douchbag and the lady next to him called me a douchebag in spanish. Thanks Ryan. I asked him why he told me to stay and he told me that he was thinking "hit," but "stay" is what came out of his mouth. I believed him.

Tonight I travel to Westminster to take on...Westminster. If you read my last blog you will know that this could turn disastrous. My plan tonight is to drink zero alcohol and tell jokes that make people laugh. Expect a full report by next week.