I've been gone for a while, people. So, let's catch up:
French Canadian Georges St Pierre defeated Matt Hughes to become the UFC welterweight champion. I predicted this would happen but unfortunately, I only predicted it in my head and not in this blog so I can't brag about it. I like St Pierre; he's classy, humble, and a perfect champion for promoting mixed martial arts in the United States. Matt Hughes was a great champion but his arrogance was at an all-time high. I was glad to see Georges serve him up a nice slice of humble pie. It was a dominant performance by Pierre in which Hughes simply could not take Pierre down to the mat. Instead, he was forced to stand with him and eat leather for about 7 minutes straight. Apparently the French can fight afterall. Zinger!
On November 20th, 2006 I ate warm food at a Dairy Queen in Berkeley Springs, West Virginia. It was not a good experience. I was unaware that DQ (Dairy Queen) served anything but ice cream until this dreaded day. My brother was talking up DQ hot food but I didn't believe him until we walked inside and smelled the beef (ha ha, I'm immature). The pictures looked pretty good so I ordered a highly recommended mushroom, swiss burger. When I got the burger, I was excited. Just before I shoveled it down my pie hole, I decided to do some investigating so I lifted the bun. Underneath, I discovered the most generous helping of mayonaise I have ever seen. It was the third most disgusting thing I have ever seen next to the time Keith Butcher (name was changed to protect the innocent) ate a booger in front of me in 5th grade, and the time my dog Lizzie ate a turd when I was 12. Why would you throw that much Mayonaise on a burger and not tell the person? Horrible. I returned it and was provided a fresh burger. I bit into it but soon realized they had put some other horrific sauce on the burger. Right there, they took my heart. I had no fight left in me reluctantly ate the stink burger and lackluster fries. Dairy Queen, you win the first round...there won't be a second.
People who lie are annoying. A friend from my hometown was telling me about some d-bag at her gym who had been feeding her a lie for the past 3 months. Apparently, he was going to be on the new season of Law & Order and had been shuttling back and forth to New York for filming. He signed an 18 million dollar contract and was going to be on Oprah. In addition, his contract stated that he was not allowed to date celebrities which is unfortunate since Venessa Williams' handlers had contacted him about a dinner date. The most incredible thing about this story is how he has remained humbled; continuing to work his day job at UPS in spite of the recent media blitz, busy schedule, and new found wealth. I asked her for his name and soon realized that I actually knew the guy and had identified him as a d-bag 12 years ago when I knew him. Now, here is where the story gets amazing. A few days later I am talking to an old friend who also knows the d-bag. After I tell him about the Law & Order tale, he starts laughing uncontrollably. He goes on to tell me that d-bag had told him the "exact" same story over 3 years ago.
How are you going to tell the same lie over a 3 year period? You can't think of a new lie? Why would you tell a lie that is so easily disproven? Like, anyone can't look up Law & Order's website to see if Detective d-bag exists...which he doesn't (yeah, I checked). Suprisingly, a few weeks later "things fell through" and detective d-bag won't be appearing on Law & Order this season but d-bag's agent has some exciting new film roles for him for next year. What a tool...
Below are some rediculous stories that people have told me. I have also included the verdict, enjoy:
- My co-worker claims to have lost to Royce Gracie in UFC 2 via submission within the first minute. Not only can I not find my co-worker's name anywhere on the UFC 2 schedule but I can't find his name anywhere on the internet. If you're going to lie about a fight, at least make yourself a winner. Verdict = D-bag
- In middle school, a kid who rode my bus told me his dad could bench press 400 pounds. I told him I didn't believe him. The next day when the bus driver dropped him off, his dad was standing on his porch posing with his shirt off. His dad was huge. Although I didn't actually see it, I'm pretty sure his dad could have bench pressed 400 pounds which makes this claim true. Kid = honest Dad= D=bag
- In college, a teammate told me he was taking the next semester off because he got a DUI and would be in jail for a few weeks. Over Thanksgiving break, a friend tells me he saw my teammate's name in the local paper stating he was convicted of not paying child support in two separate cases. It is very possible that he was convicted of both a DUI and failure to pay child support which would make this claim true. Verdict = Still a D-bag
I wish I could think of more tales. If anyone want to submit one, please leave a comment and include a verdict.
Thanks.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
There was a dude in my high school, who we'll call Bretzy for anonymity sake, who claimed him and his buddy Bellsy drank a case a beer each, and banged three girls in Bellsy's 89 Bronco in front of the Surf Rider during Senior Week. Verdict = not in until they get back from OCMD
Nice one, TRIPLE! s-m-o-t-t...I'm sorry, two o's, one t.
"quarter pound of hooch"
No one gets this except for us.
I had a co-worker friend, who actually was a nice guy but lied about all of the following:
1.) On-going battle with testicular cancer
2.) Mother was dying of AIDS
3.) Was super tight with and did most of the filming for Bam Majora and Johnny Knoxville for the CKY Videos
4.) Cousin was bassist for band "Ja-Rule" and had a relative playing at every concert we went to
5.) When he was a baby, parents and he lived in the same commune as Bob Marley
6.) Girls we worked with (at restaurant) were constantly thanking him for walking them to their car each night by making out with him.
7.) Was sleeping with several different girls at work.
8.) Did not show up to co-worker's wedding, which was $125 a head, because found out ex-boss would be there who he owed money to. When confronted about why he didn't show up said, "Right before I was about to leave for the wedding, I got a phone call from my work and found out my boss there had died". Apparently he had to make the funeral arrangements.
Verdict=Daaaahoooosh Bahhhhaaag.
Post a Comment