Skiing is hard

I went skiing at Ski Roundtop on Monday with comedian friend Sean Gabbert. This was the 5th time I have skied in my life; I am mediocre at this sport. But, I do enjoy it and wish I had the time to devote to getting better at it. It was a really fun trip and some funny stuff happened.

While standing in line to purchase lift tickets, we got stuck behind two complete d-bags who were complaining to the ticket guy about the prices. Lift tickets are sold as 4-hour tickets or 8-hour tickets with time starting at the point of purchase. The difference in cost between the two is only $5 so its not really a big decision. This guy just could not grasp the concept and started this argument with the ticket guy.

Skier: hey pal, I want two 2-hour flex lift tickets.
Ticket guy: we only sell lift tickets in 4 and 8 hour increments.
Skier: Alright, well there must be something you can do.
Ticket guy: I’m not sure that I can help you with that.
Skier: Ok, is there a manager back there who I can talk to?
Ticket guy: No, there is no manager.
Skier: Look, we drove 4 hours to get here! You’re telling me I have to buy two 4-hour lift tickets?
Ticket guy: I’m afraid so, sir. I’m sorry about that.
Skier: Yeah, I’m sorry too, pal! (turns and storms off with his chubby friend)

It was hilarious. You’re telling me you drove 4 hours to ski for 2? That makes no sense whatsoever. By the time you get your tickets, get dressed, and get to the lift, you’ve probably taken up 30 minutes. Now, you’ve got an hour and a half to ski. He pretty much could have asked if he could have paid by individual runs…which actually would have made a better argument but still would have been retarded.

When it was our turn to purchase lift tickets, I decided to take the opportunity to mock the d-bag skier. The ticket guy played along beautifully and we argued over the price for tubing:

Me: Hey pal, I want to go snowtubing but I only want to go down the slope twice…and I brought my own tube so I don’t need the rental. Actually, it’s a raft that’s in the shape of a duck. Its deflated right now, is there a compressor around here to blow it up my duck raft? Also, I don’t want to pay for the lift cause we’re just going to walk up the hill. Do I even need to pay? Can I just walk out there and get started?

Ticket guy: I can’t do that, you’ll have to pay the same rate as everyone else. I’m sorry about that.

Me: Yeah, I’m sorry too!

As Sean and I stormed off I could here a lady talking to the ticket guy:

Lady: Are you alright? They shouldn’t have been yelling like that. Is there anything we can do?

The ticket guy started explaining the joke to here and it sounded awkward so we just took off.

The skiing was pretty fun. Sean is better than me so we spent some time on the green and blue runs trying to get me prepped for the more challenging courses. After several hours we started on the single black diamonds which are the second most challenging courses. To Sean’s surprise, I hadn’t fallen yet so things were looking good – that was about to change.

We decided to tackle the double black diamond which is the most challenging course. As I looked down over the hill I already knew I was going to fall, it was just a matter of how bad. To make matters worse, some lady was literally forcing her 5 year kid to go down the hill at the same time. The kid was scared to death and frozen with fear and his mom kept persisting that he keep going. This bothered me because I knew I would fall…probably into them, and this would make things even worse for them...and for me. Seconds into the run, I fell. I got up quickly, and fell again, this time sliding just to the left of the kid. The accident was overted and we were back in business. I made it the rest of the way down and was ready to tackle the double black diamond again.

One thing I haven’t mentioned yet was the fact that the lift pretty much ran right over the course so everyone on the lift can watch you. No problem, I love the pressure – its go time! Again, seconds into the course I fell accept this time I had picked up some speed - this created a stopping problem...I couldn't. I lost a pole but the skis stayed locked on. I simply could not stop my momentum, I just kept sliding and sliding and sliding down this hill. My body was not in pain but I was still hurting inside, where my feelings are. I kept sliding for what seemed like forever; at one point I heard someone yelling from the lift, “somebody help him!” I looked up to realize the voice was coming from what appeared to be an 11 year old girl. This was humiliating and was also my last attempt at the double black diamond.

Soon after that, my quads seized up and I was out of commission. We left, my dignity partially intact.

On the way home we were driving on route 70 heading west when I noticed a road sign. It read, Frederick 35 miles, Hagerstown 65 miles, Cape Cover 2200 miles. I had several questions:

- Who is driving to Cape Cove?

- Is Cape Cove in Russia?

- If you’re driving 2200 miles are you really even concerned with mileage at that point? I’d imagine you’re sort of just following the sun or just trying to get close before you hone in on the final destination.

- Of all the cities between the state of Maryland and Eurasia, why Cape Cove? I mean there are a ton of smaller, lesser known points of interest like; The Great Lakes, The Rockies, or Hagarstown?

Finally, we made one last stop at Pizza Hut where we shared a deep dish. The last sentence is funny so go back and read it and appreciate my writing all over again. The pizza was good and we shared some breadsticks as well. We spent dinner talking about the stock market, it was interesting...actually, the whole thing was kind of sad.

Again, I can't stress this enough; you must go see "An intimate evening with Larry Poon and Jim Marsdale" on Saturday night. Please see the blog below for more details.