Bad form guyI went to the gym today. Some guy was doing calf raises but was not satisfied with the weight he was using. he decided to recruit two friends, a guy and a girl, to climb onto his back. I have never seen this before. Both friends climbed onto his back and remained there until he had grunted his way through a set. He rested and then they did this two more times. Strange. I'm not judging but there are weights and machines all over the place that provide a similar service. I also saw a member of the gym running up and down the escalator. There are a number of different step machines inside the gym. If he used these devices, it would be less awkward for other members trying to ride the escalator. Just saying...
I have belonged to various gyms for over 13 years and every gym I ever used had the following people:
Cardio guy - Cardio guy never uses weights, takes classes, or talks to anyone. He walks into the gym and immediately begins sweating all over every piece of cardio equipment in the building. Two hours later, he hops off and immediately checks his pulse. Then he shakes his head either to acknowledge his pulse rate as disappointing or record breaking...no one knows...and no one cares.
Cologne guy - Cologne guy has an amazing wardrobe. He always wears excellent gear; whatever is fashionable at the time. Right now he wears under armour head to toe. He doesn't really work out and he doesn't really know too many people in the gym. He doesn't really try to meet people either, he just thinks his amazing musk will lure people into conversation, particularly women. he always showers after his workout but it is completely unnecessary. He's just going through the motions.
Old naked guy - There are variations of old naked guy but one thing is always consistent, you only see him in the locker room. He just sort of appears and he's always naked. Typically, he is between the ages of 68 and 76. He is your typical old guy with a bald head and gray chest hair but most importantly, he loves to be naked. Usually, he'll towel off and then hop right onto the floor scale. After that, he'll make his way, still naked, to the sink. There, he will pull out his Lab Series For Men shaving kit and shave his gray face while remaining nude. he is disgusting.
Overlord - Overlord is sort of the leader of the gym. He is older and past his prime but is still pretty jacked and knows everyone. He's kind of a mystery man too because you don't know if he was a former bodybuilder or professional athlete, you just know he is cooler than you. He talks to everyone, even "cologne guy," and makes them feel special. Everyone respects him and he drives a nice car. You think he may be some kind of salesman but he could be anything. Occasionally, he arrives at the gym carrying luggage.
Bad form guy - This jewel is hilarious. He is a super hard worker in the gym but has no idea what he's doing. He uses all the machines incorrectly but never asks anyone for advice, he just assumes he's got it right. He is a big-time sweater and has terrible gear. Sometimes, he'll show up wearing jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt shirt he bought with camel cash 7 years ago.
Steroid guy - Steroid guy has like 3 other steroid guy friends and they all work out together. They hog equipment and talk really loud. Inside the gym, they are the kings. Outside the gym, they are socially awkward. They have weird jobs like "furniture store manager" or "Cheese salesman." They are often overheard discussing supplements like creatine or tribulus and they have lots of stories about beating up people for no apparent reason. It is best to avoid steroid guy if at all possible.
Hot chic - Hot chic is the hottest girl in the gym, everyone knows it. She is amazing and sometimes gym buddies will begin describing her and you're like, "dude, I know exactly who you're talking about." Usually, her story varies. Usually, she's married to a rich guy and is bored with life. Other times, she's fresh off a divorce but no one in the gym makes enough money to go out with her. She is usually friends with the private trainers at the gym but occasionally a steroid guy will chat her up. Cologne guy thinks he knows her because he made a semi-witty remark to her at the water fountain but she wasn't really listening, just trying to be polite.
Trashy chic - This girl is hot but not in the same way as "hot chic." At first, you think she's amazing but eventually you find her to be super annoying. She dresses slutty and is always hanging out with steroid guy. Sometime she'll be in front of you at the water fountain and takes an extra long time taking a drink. She kind of bounces around the gym and looks everyone in the eye. Hot chic glides through the gym and doesn't acknowledge you.
There are a few more but these are the most popular. If you have any other gym characters you would like to submit, please post a comment.
6 comments:
There's "Solicit Guy" - He's a fast talking salesmen with a good physique, and a great sense of monetary weakness. He'll have an ingenious way of doing pullups using some revolutionary grip that only a meth head could come up with. And after he gives you a spot while supportively yelling "siiixxx, sevvvvennn, one more...ok, that's ok", he reliquishes a monologue that has supersonic speed and no escape clauses. "You see that grip I just taught you, well that's the same grip we use for parasailing, it's the Zimmerman Hold, the most effective hold known to man. The name's Patrick, Dirk Patrick, and I run a parasailing expo on the Chesapeake every Sunday at noon. I've enlisted your buddy who bathes in Right Guard over there, and the two guys with gi-normous muscles, no testicles, and pimply backs - they're in (gives a head nod to the Steroid Guys). You see that hot chick - well I plugged her 'bout four years ago..." Your head is spinning so fast and before you know it, you've committed $400 to parasailing lessons. Dammit Dirk.
P.S. Love the Overlord. Ya gotta respect the Overlord.
GRUNTER.....Grunter is the person, male or female, who grunts their way through every rep on every set...LOUDLY...Grunter may also talk to themselves during sets saying things like "COME ON!" or "YEAH BABY! THAT'S IT"
GAZER.....Gazer is the person, 9 times out of 10 male, who when finished with a set will stare lovingly at themselves in the mirror....Gazer may also talk to themselves generally under their breaths though, saying in a whisper "Yeah....looking good..."
Randolph T
www.myspace.com/randolpht
"Solicit guy," "grunter guy," and "Gazer guy." These are all fantastic and I know all of them. It can be difficult to categorize them because there are so many crossovers. For example, "solicit guy" can in some instances be somewhat of a cologne guy except typical cologne guy doesn't really talk to anyone.
Also, steroid guy exhibits some of the same traits as gazer and grunter guy but I do agree that they are different people.
In any case, these are fantastic additions!
Gazer is great.
My favorite line from yours is "There, he will pull out his Lab Series For Men shaving kit..."
How about this one?
I KNOW YOU'RE WEARING HEADPHONES, BUT I'M GOING TO SAY SOMETHING INSIGNIFICANT TO YOU ANYWAY GUY-This guy will say something, that you can't hear, then smirk. As you reach to pause your music, he says it again. You didn't hear him that time either. Once it's paused, you say, "Sorry, I had headphones in. What did you say?" And it's always something like, "They must have to wash towels all day."
Very nice, Conner...very nice. Not only is it insignificant but it's always a terrible conversation starter as well. Even if you didn't have headphones on, you actually knew the guy, and you weren't both sweaty and out of breath, it would still be awkward. "Yeah...I often wondered who washes these towels...and the headphones go back on."
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