The weekend

On Friday night I performed at a comedy showcase at Regional Food and Drink in Chinatown. The crowd was too small to really feel like you were performing stand-up but some of my friends came out to watch and that made it really fun. I did about 17 minutes of what may have been described as "mildly entertaining." I did some jokes but mostly I just talked about how gay the lighting system was, the oddity of performing below a shelf that contained two broken TVs (one Sanyo, one Panasonic), and the strangest public restroom I'd ever seen.

I talked to the crowd quite a bit and asked a couple about themselves, here's how the conversation went;

Me - Are you two married?
Couple - Yes
Me - To dude; what do you do for a living?
Dude - Nothing...
Me - You don't work?
Dude - No, she does (points to his wife)
Me - How nice, what do you do for a living moneybags? (Looking at wife)
Wife - I don't work either...

I'm not going to list the rest of the conversation, here are my thoughts;

Obviously these two are lying. If she doesn't work, why did you point to her and say she did? They are both jobless but can afford the $7 cover charge and overpriced appetizers? They saved up for a night on the town at RFD to watch a comedy show with 4 other people? I don't buy it. I've seen this before, audience members are afraid you'll make fun of them so they refuse to have a normal conversation and just lie about whatever you ask them. Well if you're embarrassed by your occupation, why not just make one up since you are already lying to me? Instead, you made yourself seem even more ridiculous by letting everyone know you are both jobless and weird.

Saturday night, I performed at a charity event at the Chamber of Commerce. I don't know if you would call it "performing" though. I was the auctioneer for a live auction and ended up auctioning about 30 items which took close to an hour to finish. I literally made no preparations for the event...that was a mistake. There were about 500 people there and it was VERY formal. The brought me up to the podium and I tried to get the crowd's attention, it didn't work. I'm used to people talking during my sets so I just plowed through the first two auction items, expecting the crowd would settle down - they didn't. I was told I had to get the crowd to listen and needed to talk louder. This was a problem since I was already losing my voice (can't explain why). Finally, after halting the auction for their cooperation, the crowd quieted and began listening. Now I had to get them interested in the auction, here's what I came up with;

Item: autographed Lance Armstrong helmet and book

Me: Let's start the bidding at $200. I have $200, now $250, $300 in the back, now $350, back to you $400, $450, I have $500...how bout $550...$550...do I have $550..."PEOPLE, THE MAN HAS ONE TESTICLE!!

The words just shot out of my mouth without asking my brain if it was a good idea. Can you say awkward? This was like the 3rd item and I've got 27 more to go! Good thinking Jon, way to use your head. To my amazement, a good portion of the crowd actually enjoyed it and the bid went up to $750...I think. For the rest of the show, I was on cruise control and had a blast. It was a good lesson for me; just be yourself and have fun. I like people who are genuine and I've got to believe others feel the same way. Be yourself...and reference Lance Armstrong's testicles whenever possible.

On Sunday, my touch football team had its first game of the spring season. I've played on this team for 5 years now and I like most of the guys on the team. As for the team itself, I find it incredibly frustrating to play for them. Talent wise, I've only seen a few other teams with as much athletic ability as ours, yet we continue to remain mediocre. This past fall we didn't make the playoffs and we lost on Sunday...badly. The problem with this team is the same problem every other underachieving sports team has; too many chiefs, not enough Indians. If you found that racist and you shouldn't...I'm not apologizing. I love that phrase.

Here is why my team will never be great;

1. We have play cards but for some reason we run the same play over and over again and then as soon as we start losing, we abandon the play cards and just start making shit up. The cards are there for a reason, we should probably use them.

2. During every offensive huddle, at least 3 guys are calling for the ball and the QB will cave and just do what the loudest person is saying. That's a good strategy...keeps things balanced.

3. There are people on the team that everyone complains about but the coach doesn't do anything to remedy the situation. Grow a testicle and take control of the team (that was a callback to the Lance Armstrong reference earlier, ZINGER).

Just about everyone on the team has played in high school or college so they all know how to play. They just don't know how to win and they never will. I play wide receiver and finished the game with 0 catches and was thrown to 0 times. Regardless, I was completely gassed by the end and extrememely sore. The reason for this is simple; I play 100% on every down. I willingly block, I run off DB's, I sell out every play even when I know the ball isn't coming my way...which is every down. I'm the Hines Ward of touch football, minus the athletic ability, infectious personality, and overall skill.

Well, I think I've covered everything here; I've complained, I've bragged, I've self-deprecated...that does it.